Joslyn James: 9.0 Magnitude

March 18, 2010

Mr. Ari Fleischer
Ari Fleischer Sports Communications
(and George W. Bush Apologist)
767 Fifth Avenue
44th Floor
New York, NY 10153

Dear Ari,

Your website boasts of your ability to “help [athletes and sports executives] handle the bad news and take advantage of the good.” So how do you handle this latest piece of bad news?

You took full credit for Mark McGwire’s success in dodging the bullet following his come-to-Jesus moment on a cable network affiliated with the firm that bankrolled you.

You must be a PR genius, or could that little 7.0 magnitude earthquake in Haiti the next day have played a role in saving Mr. McGwire’s hide?

Whatever. It’s the end result, not the facts that matter.. Gee, not unlike your (still-unrepented) promotion of the war in Iraq. But that’s history. You’re a sports guy now. Few untimely deaths in your new profession.

Still, I can’t help but wonder how that natural disaster proved so fortuitous for your steroid-abusing home run king*, while helping you land your current high profile client. Sure, Tiger’s with that same firm that put you in business, but McGwire no doubt sealed the deal for you to orchestrate the beleaguered golfer’s public re-emergence at The Masters.

So far so good. Everything is proceeding without a hitch. CBS’s stock price is up. Photos of Tiger and Ellin at their home popped on the cover of yesterday’s New York Post. And Tiger’s fans anxiously await to forgive and forget.

Until today…when porn star Joslyn James decided to up her celebrity quotient by releasing some sexts written by her most famous patron, your new client.

Let’s just say they provide a little too much information that may complicate your PR strategy. Here’s a sampling:

Tiger: Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore

Tiger: Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009:
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard

Tiger: Sent: 03:37 PM 08/29/2009:
Do you ever hook up with other guys or girls

Tiger: Sent: 03:41 PM 08/29/2009:
You didnt answer the question

Tiger: Sent: 03:43 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust

Tiger: Sent: 03:48 PM 08/29/2009:
Does that excite you at all or no

Tiger: Sent: 03:52 PM 08/29/2009:
God girl. You better want to take care of me

Tiger: Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore

…and (too) much more.

I look forward to seeing you work your magic here. Too bad the healthcare reform vote is still a week or more away. Now wouldn’t that be ironic? Ari Fleischer pushes for quick (like today) passage of health care reform legislation.

Lots of luck,

Peter Himler