What Can I Say?

My Remarks
February 19, 2010

I want thank the handful of reporters who stupidly happily agreed to join me in listen-mode only today at my former [unnamed] sponsor’s tournament. I also want to thank my wife Elin who I hope will reconsider my offer to move back in. Honey, how does Solitude feel?

I also want to plug Nike and Gatorade for sticking with me during these grueling months, with a special thanks to my buds there who so graciously offered to drop them as their sponsors had they chosen to drop me.

And I can’t thank enough that handsome young man for his stunt double work at the sex clinic, and for remembering to return my favorite cap.

Finally, I want to thank the PGA Tour and the many tour sponsors who had the temerity to avoid a ratings disaster by accelerating my return to the tour in time for The Masters. Oh, and look for me on the Golf Channel on March 22 for a little Masters warm-up.

No questions.

Tiger Woods